I'm not really sure where this one is going to go, so bare with me on the ride. I keep waiting for things to get back to normal, well not really back to normal, but I wait to feel something. Instead I feel nothing. And then I think of Grandma and I feel, but I feel sad and rage and regret and a whole bunch of things rolled into one. I know that she was closer to me, that I had a strong relationship with her, but then I think about the people in that town, the neighbors, the kids who were there everyday, and I wonder, did they mean more? And I know that it's not about that, I know that everyone has their place, but REALLY what kind of a grand-daughter was I? There were the times that I didn't want to answer the phone when she called because I didn't want to be bothered by the phone conversation, and would return the call weeks later, if I return it at all. What an ungreatful bastard I am. I feel like a phony with my grief. How do I have the right to be sad, how do I have the right to miss her, when I wasn't there at all? How did I really care? If someone had asked her, would she have felt lonliness from me? Isolation? But then her second family, the neighbors and people in Rogers who loved her, were they a better family then her real one? I kept telling her that she was going to live forever, that she wasn't allowed to die. How stupid and selfish of me. I took her for advantage and now she's gone. And even now I am only being selfish. thinking about how sad I Am, how much I Miss Her. What did I do when she was alive? How is it really any different from now? We take advantage of what we have when it comes to family, we are taught to believe that's the one thing that you can't get away from, the one thing that will always be there. LIAR. And then we're left with the lies and the guilt and the "i should haves".

I hate this. I hate myself for what I should have been, what I pretended to be but never really was.

And I hate myself for who I still am. While the last grandparent I have living is in the hospital, I can't bring myself to call her. I can't bring myself to deal with the possibility of losing all 3 in the last year. But instead of taking advantage of what I have, I am pushing it away and running from it.
Everyone gets hurt in their life, I'm not the only one. And I brought it upon myself, yet WHY CAN'T I LET IT IN? why can't I let anything or anyone in? such barriers. What kind of person would rather live without leaving? To isolate yourself from everyone and everything so that you have nothing and no one? What kind of a person does this? It was almost 7 years ago, and I still can't muster enough strength to let anyone in. Glimpses is all that is available. I am pathetic.

GO TIGERS!!

SPORTSBEAT by Peter Jakey: Shirley's never ending love for the Tigers
I never thought I would find myself ever saying these words in my column, but: “It’s on to the World Series!” Game one is Saturday in Detroit as the Tigers turned a miserable end to the regular season into one of the most amazing playoff runs in Tiger baseball history. They have set a record with seven straight playoff wins and they have already claimed an American League Championship. They also beat the payroll heavy Yankees. They have done it with great pitching, timely hitting, near perfect managerial decisions, and maybe some divine intervention. One of the most ardent Tiger fans ever to follow the club may be pulling a few strings from above.

Shirley McLennan, who lived on North First Street in Rogers City, loved her Tigers. She has posters, baseball cards, and memorabilia hanging everywhere in her house. From the moment you step onto her porch, it is obvious that someone in that old white house loved baseball. She has baseball cards with the names of players long forgotten hanging next to the front door. Who remembers Mike Heath? His baseball card is hanging with the group of cards, bleached from many evening sunsets. Near Heath’s card is one of the most recognizable Tiger greats of the past: Tommy Brookens. The name was completely faded by the sun.

BETWEEN MCLENNAN’S dining room and living room is a door plastered with family photos. Her husband Leonard is in a very old team picture with a Hawks team that won a county baseball championship. Among the irreplaceable family pictures is a single baseball card of Alan Trammell, the World Series MVP from 1984, and obviously McLennan’s favorite player of all-time. In her bedrooms are several posters from the glory days of the 1980s. Two posters are hung on the wall to the left of her bed, and have been there for more than two decades. On an adjoining wall are two pennants from the 1984 World Series team, one with a team picture and another with just the names from the club. In the middle of the Tiger shrine is a ticket stub from the 1984 World Series. She was fortunate to attend “Game A” at Tiger Stadium, two days before the clincher. A family member ripped a piece of sod from the Tiger Stadium field when the fans stormed the field October 14, 1984. Shirley was later given the chunk of turf and planted it in her backyard. “She was absolutely thrilled about it,” said niece Janet Smith of Taylor.

ON ANOTHER wall is a Tiger calendar stuck on February 1988. That is because there was a picture of Trammell that month. She has signed color photos of Todd Jones, Jamie Walker, and Carlos Guillen, and posed with 1968 World Series catcher Bill Freehan during a Wertz Warriors trip to Hawks. In her living room is one of the most unique items. She stitched together several Tiger T-shirts into a large quilt. She could look at it while she kept score from a corner chair. On a nearby table is a scorecard from the last game she kept track of, a 2-1 loss to the Angels September 3. McLennan was diagnosed with acute leukemia in the following days and passed away September 26 at the age of 83. She followed the Tigers until the very end. McLennan was excited when they qualified for the playoffs. That was two days before her passing, her son Larry McLennan said. The following week was not so good for the Tigers as they played Toronto and Kansas City. When I heard about her being such a loyal Tiger fan, I immediately came up with a theory. I believe it took her a week to check into heaven and she has been pulling some strings from above, ever since. Since the rainout in New York, the Tigers have not lost.

MCLENNAN NEVER wanted to miss a game. She was part of the St. John Lutheran Church choir for 50 years and after practice, Shirley wanted get home to watch the Tigers. “She just loved to watch every game,” said neighbor Mary Fairbanks. Mary’s son Austin would sit and watch some of the games with the woman that was affectionately called “Grandma Shirley.” “When I would call her, if the game was on she would say ‘don’t you know the game is on?’ ” said Larry. Just this year, McLennan received a letter from the Tigers, acknowledging her loyalty. It stated: “We hear you have been a very loyal Tigers’ fan…You have continued to support us through many peaks and valleys. Hopefully, the team’s recent success has brightened your days and nights. We will try our best to continue this recent winning tradition and bring a championship home to loyal Michigan fans like you.”

How much did Shirley love the Tigers? The best game she ever saw was an extra inning game in 1979 against the Baltimore Orioles. On her mother’s 90th birthday, Leonard and Shirley took her to the ball park. They had seats four rows from home plate. The game went 15 innings, before the Orioles got a run across and won the game, 2-1. Did I mention the game was played in the rain. “It was the best game I had ever seen!” Shirley said. I’m sure McLennan will have a front row seat this weekend, with a little scorecard and dark black marker to keep track of the score as the Tigers continue their improbable push toward their fifth World Series title.