I'm not really sure where this one is going to go, so bare with me on the ride. I keep waiting for things to get back to normal, well not really back to normal, but I wait to feel something. Instead I feel nothing. And then I think of Grandma and I feel, but I feel sad and rage and regret and a whole bunch of things rolled into one. I know that she was closer to me, that I had a strong relationship with her, but then I think about the people in that town, the neighbors, the kids who were there everyday, and I wonder, did they mean more? And I know that it's not about that, I know that everyone has their place, but REALLY what kind of a grand-daughter was I? There were the times that I didn't want to answer the phone when she called because I didn't want to be bothered by the phone conversation, and would return the call weeks later, if I return it at all. What an ungreatful bastard I am. I feel like a phony with my grief. How do I have the right to be sad, how do I have the right to miss her, when I wasn't there at all? How did I really care? If someone had asked her, would she have felt lonliness from me? Isolation? But then her second family, the neighbors and people in Rogers who loved her, were they a better family then her real one? I kept telling her that she was going to live forever, that she wasn't allowed to die. How stupid and selfish of me. I took her for advantage and now she's gone. And even now I am only being selfish. thinking about how sad I Am, how much I Miss Her. What did I do when she was alive? How is it really any different from now? We take advantage of what we have when it comes to family, we are taught to believe that's the one thing that you can't get away from, the one thing that will always be there. LIAR. And then we're left with the lies and the guilt and the "i should haves".

I hate this. I hate myself for what I should have been, what I pretended to be but never really was.

And I hate myself for who I still am. While the last grandparent I have living is in the hospital, I can't bring myself to call her. I can't bring myself to deal with the possibility of losing all 3 in the last year. But instead of taking advantage of what I have, I am pushing it away and running from it.
Everyone gets hurt in their life, I'm not the only one. And I brought it upon myself, yet WHY CAN'T I LET IT IN? why can't I let anything or anyone in? such barriers. What kind of person would rather live without leaving? To isolate yourself from everyone and everything so that you have nothing and no one? What kind of a person does this? It was almost 7 years ago, and I still can't muster enough strength to let anyone in. Glimpses is all that is available. I am pathetic.