Girls rule - boys suck.

that's what I've decided after my last visit home. Why is it, when you go home, no matter what you do, you end up reverting to old patterns? Even if you really aren't that person anymore, or even if you don't feel that way. Sometimes I love going back to MN, it's good to see friends and family, but I always end up frustrated and angry. I think it's because I let old shit take control over me and then I don't really know how to act. I know who I am. Why do I always let 'strong personalities' push me around when I am there? Why do I let them dictate who I am??

*sigh* why am I such a wuss?

Instead of dealing with what I am actually upset about, I bottle it up and get upset at the wrong person. Why? Why is it the one person who I actually want to tell to go to hell, I can't? Maybe because he is left over from the time when I actually felt, the time when I didn't hide behind so many baracades and walls. Maybe because when I'm with him, I actually feel. It's not fake. Granted, it might be ANGER that I feel sometimes, but it's something. it's solid. And I'm scared to talk about it, scared to admit it, because then (just like before, just like always) it too will go away. Is it better to stay within my own emotional hell then to admit the possibility and lose it? Why am I so scared to lose touch? Why am I scared to delete him out of my phone? What does it mean?

I don't know. How can I be angry at someone when I've never told them how I feel or how they make me feel (good or bad). How can it be any different?

PS - why does my head look so strange in this photo??