I've been reading "McSorley's Wonderful Saloon" By Joseph Mitchell. One of the portraits is titled King of Gypsies, written in 1942. There is a conversation between Johnny Nikanov and Joseph Mitchell that goes as follows -
"And let me tell you something," he said finally, waving his hand at me with an oratorical gesture. "I just can't wait for the blowup".
"The blowup of what?" I asked.
"The blowup of the whole entire world, that's what," said Johnny. "It's going to bust wide open any day now, ask any gypsy, and I don't give a D-double-damn if it does".
"That's no way to talk," I said.
"And if it was left to me," continued Johnny, paying no attention to my remark, "I'd sure fix things up. The very first thing I'd do, I'd unlock the insane asylums all over the world and let them people out. I'd leave them run things. I'd hunt up the insanest feller of all and I'd say to him, 'Sir, you got any notion how to run the world?' And he'd say to me, 'Yes, indeed!' 'O.K., pal, ' I'd say to him, 'take charge. You can't possibly do no worse than them that's been had charge'...."

64 years later, and I feel like it could have been written yesterday.

Angry thoughts...


I'm lost lately. I don't know if I just have too much emotional baggage lately but I just can't handle it lately. I have no patience, no tolerance for anything. Even now, I am angry. out of control angry. why, because I can't sleep. B/C i can't seem to spell a single goddamned word right. things are spiraling out of control. FUCK! I can't take this stupid shit anymore. nothing i ever do will be right, nor good enough...

FUCK I CAN'T STAND MYSELF.

I'M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, NOT SMART ENOUGH, NOT FOCUSED ENOUGH, NOT THIN ENOUGH, NOT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH, NOT DRIVEN ENOUGH. NOTHING I SAY NOR DO MATTERS. I AM NOTHING. THE PEST OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW THAT CHIRPS THAT YOU REALLY JUST WANT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY. I AM NOISE IN A WORLD POLLUTED WITH SOUND. I AM ALONE. NOBODY SEES ME, NOBODY CARES.

SOMETIMES I WISH THAT THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS THAT SURROUNDS ME WOULD JUST ENVELOP ME AND LEAVE ME TO CEASE. THE SILENCE IS TOO LOUD.

I SEE A FACE THAT GLANCES BACK FROM THE MIRROR, A FACE THAT IS DISTORTED, WITH EYES THAT DON'T REALLY SEE... I WANT TO BREAK THE MIRROR, BREAK THE IMAGE BUT THE GLASS IS TOO STRONG. IT BOUNCES BACK, LAUGHING AT ME HOLLOWLY.. LAUGHING WITH THE TORMENT THAT FILLS MY LUNGS, HEART, LIVER, BEING.

THERE ARE BARS ON MY BEDROOM WINDOW, BARS ON MY SOUL...

WHAT'S THE POINT IN LETTING ANYONE SEE BEYOND THE SURFACE? WHAT'S THE POINT IN LETTING YOUR WALL DOWN? PEOPLE ONLY DISAPPOINT. THEY ONLY LET YOU DOWN. HUMAN FRICKIN' NATURE. TO EXPLOIT SOMEONE ELSE WEAKNESS FOR YOUR GAIN. GREED, POWER, HUNGER, WEALTH. FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK ME.

THEY ALL DO ANYWAYS... NO MATTER WHO I REALLY AM, THEY NEVER SEE ME.. THEY ALWAYS SEE THE SAME THING. I AM USELESS, VULNERABLE, DEVOID OF REALITY. GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. DON'T LOOK BACK. DON'T LOOK IN. KEEP THE THIN SHELL ON. THEY CAN'T SEE THAT THEY'VE BROKEN ME.

THE SILENCE STOPS AND THE NOISE BEGINS...

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER RESTLESS NIGHT.