Ok, this might be a little dark today, but that's just how I'm feeling.
Holidays are a funny thing, they can either make you feel great, and make you feel completly isolated. Isolated tends to be the way that I go. So, I like having my space, like being by myself. I actually really do, I tend to get frustrated if I have plans multiple nights in a row, or I don't have time to myself. So this Easter comes around, and for me it's a family thing, not a particulary religious day. Lets just side step that whole issue, and get to where I am going. So I talk to my little sister this morning, she actually woke me up, and we're chatting until my mom comes home. Sis then tells me that she's going to let me go and will call later for the holiday chat with my mom... So the whole entire day goes by. My grandma is getting together with my Dad and his girlfriend, and they are going to call me as well. So I sit all day, and the phone doesn't ring. Anna and I chat a little bit here and there, she calls me b/c she is watching the Twins/Yankees game and she's cheering for Lew Ford. I turn the game on so we're watching it together... She's gonna go, so I say fine. Nothing from my Mom... Talk to the older sister, she mentions "oh Anna and Mom called me, I have to call them back".. Interesting, I figure I should be hearing from them any second... 2 hours go by and I still haven't heard anything, it's now 9pm my time. I haven't heard from my mother all day... ouch. Now for those of you who don't know my family, my mother is very organized about her family holiday calls...it's an afternoon thing, not a last minute it's 9pm your time thing. So finally I call, Anna answers, says she's talking to Leah and they'll call me back. Mom calls back, it's now past 9pm, how's the weather there? how was the game? I wasn't watching the game. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? I can't speak to her. She goes on about everyone she's talked to today, and what a great day she had with Anna etc... Great. I'm alone. You know this. You couldn't call me all day, and now I have to listen to what a great family day you had. I can't take it. I hang up, which is the most juvenile way to handle a situation, but with her I can feel like I am still 5, the hurt little girl crying herself to sleep, just wanting her parents to love her and see her. But I'm still the invisible middle child. Sometimes I just wish that I could escape and disappear. Let it all go, why am I so dependant on people that are so independant from me? I can't blame them, I can only blame me. Insantity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Am I insane for expecting this relationship with my family to be different? Do we set the patterns for communication when we are in the younger years of are life and then we are unable to change the pattern? Will I always be that little girl? Is this me, within my own head, unable to change, or is there also equal fault on both sides? It hurts. I did one of those stupid how well do you know me emails.. One of the questions was "are we friends", the older sister replies "no, were acquaintences, but I think in five years we could be friends." I pour my heart and soul into building a relationship with this person who has wanted nothing to do with me for most of my life, and for what purpose? I feel that we finally have a relationship, that we finally care, only to learn she sees me as a acquaintence. barely more then a stranger. It hurts too much. Blog, diary, really what's the difference? At least most of you don't know that I'm hear, so these thoughts go unnoticed. unread. unheard.
posted by Emily @ 6:49 PM
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