Calypso

2010-01-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

Today I am tired of being an adult. Today I don't want responsibilities. Today I want someone to take care of me, instead of me taking care of everyone else. Today I am burnt out.

Today I want to walk in the park. Today I want to feel the wind blowing in my hair. Today I want to mend. Today I want to put on my little kid shoes.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I will be 31 again.

2009-08-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's a delicate dance, the back and forth,
moving,
with a partner...
alone.

It's a tug of war, the back and forth
moving,
the struggle within, to
show, to
allow,
to feel.

it's a life
to build, full of
the heavy bricks of a fragile glass wall.

2009-07-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

Relocation -

Sometimes, it really is as simple as moving locations, changing a small thing, and suddenly that slight change in degree gives you a complete change in perspective.

So thank you. Thank you for giving me ME back. Thank you for being good friends, thank you for laughter, thank you for sharing your strength. Thank you for giving me the courage to firmly shut the door.

2009-01-25T17:51:00.001-08:00

So much has changed in the last week, and it seems like it was so easy, so quick. I brief swipe of a pen and you do start to believe that anything is possible. That it's more than just words, that it really is hope.

It also makes you realize how quickly your own life can change. If someone had told me how much would have changed in the last year, I don't think that I would have believed them. Life is full of bumps, and restarts and learning the same lessons until you figure out how to get it right. I really think that this year I am getting it right. It's the only goal that I have for this year, it's a year of personal growth and development. It can be so hard to say, I'm worth it, I deserve it, and even harder to believe it. This year is about following through on that belief.

2008-12-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm back in Mpls for the holidays, and while I love to be home, it's -9. That's just wrong and gross. That's January weather, not December weather. :(

I had my "fake 30th birthday" celebration last night, since I will be in NYC for the real thing. It was perfect, small and relaxed. Angela and I went to dinner at 112 Eatery (highly recommend this if you're in Mpls). Excellent meal, I loved the butternut squash with Gorgonzola and Maple Syrup. Then it was onto JJ's with Anna, Jason and Susie. It was wonderful to just hang out, have some beers and laugh. A lot. No fuss, no pretense. My kind of people, my kind of event.

2008-11-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to a new world.

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.

Congratulations President Obama!

2008-09-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

My heart broke a little more today. I'm worried about you. Even though I can't see your face, I can feel your sadness on my soul.

2008-06-15T16:51:00.001-07:00

I don't understand. Common phrase, right? But I really don't understand. Do we live in such a throw away society that people are just as likely to throw away relationships with people as we would a beverage container?
How can you think this doesn't matter? Your silence speaks volumes. How long was I fooled into thinking that I mattered, that knowing each other mattered? Is it a dislike of confrontation or is it really that it makes no difference. I refuse to call. I refuse to chase. I've spent too many years doing that. How pathetic did I look? All I wanted was friendship, my platonic soul mate, I thought ours was sibling like. That I never had to worry because you accepted me "as-is". What a relief it was to live in the comfort of that, the complete lack of judgement. I thought that no matter where life would take us, we would know each other. Now I wonder if I ever really knew you at all. The silence of words is more judgement then anything you ever could have said.

I'm sad, and I'm angry. I have so many things to say, but doubt it would matter.

I am trying to be adult. Some days I want to yell, some days cry.

And you, you just go on with your life like nothing happened. Like it doesn't even matter.

2008-05-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have tried to be there, holding you up, supporting you
but your massive ego has crushed me.

I am being run over by it, on the one way road of our shared path

I am tired of justifying you.
I am tried of forgiving you.

I am tired of being weak.

I am saying good-bye.

I am screaming it... and yet you still don't hear me.

2008-04-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

My skin is pink
where i have tried to scrub your memory away
if i can just erase that spot, that tiny little spec then
i will no longer be

raw

i am overexposed

words flash in my mind
lost in my head
never spoken. willed in for 8 years

then a line, an etching, a crack
facade crumbles
pouring out, tumbling over, whipping around, lashing me.

i am unable
to mend it.

2008-04-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

I want spring!! I'm tired of the gray, I want SUN and warm weather. *sigh*. I know it's coming, we get a couple of days here and there that really feel like it's just around the corner, and then the wind kicks up and it's cold again. Maybe it's because winter was so mild, that it doesn't feel like spring even though it usually would.

After saying in January, that I wasn't headed back to Mpls until next December... I'm getting ready to go back in 3 weeks. HA! I can't escape it. It's the cheapest vacation I can find (kind of sad, right?) and it will be good to just relax. Some how that's always a little harder to do here, in the city that never sleeps. There's always something going on, your brain never stops. Even when I sleep, I still feel like I'm going a mile a minute.

My being is tired. It will be good to sit and just not do anything for 3 days..

2008-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

I finally remembered my user name and password. I've vowed not to forget it again!!

Am living in a new apt and love it. Roommates are awesome. Am really trying this year to get out and enjoy life, with the upcoming move back to MN, I want to enjoy and embrace everypart of NYC while I can. :)

2007-11-24T20:40:00.001-08:00

What makes people think that it is ok to discard people like they mean nothing? I am TIRED of being pushed aside or "fit in" all with the explanation of "I really want to spend time with you". You'd think I was talking about a significant other, right? Nope, talking about my sisters. Inconsiderate selfish beings. I don't even know why I bother anymore. I put time, efford and consideration into my relationships with them. They treat my like garbage, and like I should be honored to even get that much from them. Take the older one Leah, I've been waiting since 5pm to hang out... listening to her claims of how much time she really wants to spend with me, just the 2 of us... yeah right. I'ts 11:45 and she's just leaving Brooklyn... I'm going to bed. And I only found out what was going on when I called HER to find out where the hell she was.... Really considerate, right? Or how about the younger one, who only spends time at my apartment so that I can drive her to the airport in the morning.. Even then, if I could have picked her up it would have been better for her.. SICK AND TIRED OF IT.

2007-09-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

So this pretty much sums up the wedding weekend. Anna is a rockstar and the wedding was really fun.

Anyways, it's about 1am on a Tuesday night and I can't sleep. No idea why. I don't feel overly stressed or anxious...Money sucks, but then it always does. I don't know. I feel like the control that I've had over my life for the last couple of years is just slipping away. Did I got from being completely out of control to be overly in control? But in some areas I'm no more in control then I was 6 years ago.. I need to let go of the sorrow and control that I get from food. I just need to let go of it all and just be.

Meh - spent the weekend with some friends, mostly thinking about others that I wasn't with. Am I always looking for the next best thing? I am romanticizing what my life could be, instead of really enjoying what my life is? Why can't I sleep? Does it mean that another down spell is lurking just around the corner waiting to pop out at me? It wouldn't surprise me, and there in lies the answer. I have a prescription waiting to be filled. What's stopping me? I always tell Angela to stop being scared to succeed, to not be scared to be happy. Why can't I listen to myself? Why I am so scared to follow through on the things that actually really matter to me?
I need to drink up a big cup of my own advice.

And to top it off I'm sick... I just want to stay home and rest and feel better. But I can't... at least for a couple of weeks while I'm covering for people at work while they are on vacation. That just wouldn't be very nice of me. At least the roomies go to Italy soon, and I can wallow (heal) in peace.

2007-08-09T17:21:00.001-07:00

So it's the weekend of my mom's wedding. have been baking for the last couple of hours with my BFF KNORA. Todays has been really stressful and I know that it's only going to get more so. Running around at the last minute. trying to get everything done for the wedding and then, on top of it, I decided that I had to buy a car. B/C that makes sense. let's make a really stressful weekend even more so! HA!

Anways - I'm sure that it'll be wondeful.. Will get back afterwards

2007-06-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's raining tonight - One of those good nights to just sit around and think. I got a mini break today. Roommate said that I don't have to worry about the July 1st move out date, that we should be here until the end of the year. *huge sigh of relief*. Only part that sucks is I've lined up some places to see this week, so it's a little sad that I don't need to anymore. I was stressed but getting kind of excited about finding my own place, or getting a new living situation. I don't know. Sometimes I don't feel welcome in my own apt. I know that it's good to stay here though, the $ that I can save will be worth it. Even the cheapest room share that I saw will be more that I will be paying here with Joe and Kia. We'll see what happens. At least I don't have to try and figure out moving while I'm leaving for Mpls.

It's funny, but I'm starting to go through some changes. Perspective, adult views I think. I used to think that life was about living as much as you could in the moment, you only get the one shot, so don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today. But now I'm thinking more and more about tomorrow, and what do I really want. My friends are all buying homes, and getting to a different stage in their life. I don't think that I would be able to buy here ever, it's just too expensive. People pay over $500,000 on a home and think that they got a really good deal. It's crazy. When all this moving stuff started happening, I freaked out. It seemed like I couldn't get a response from anyone, couldn't get anything lined up. In a conversation with my Mom, she said I could always move home. To me that seemed like I had lost, that I had failed and I would be coming back to Mpls with my tail between my legs. But maybe it's not like that, maybe I got to experience something wonderful for a couple of years, I got to live a dream, not many people get to do that. Maybe heading back to Mpls isn't failure but opening a new chapter in my life. Bringing a new person back to an old situation. Maybe my life is what I make of it no matter where I am, maybe the past will let me be, in peace. Is that what I really think, or I am just looking for a reason to make the easy choice? I do seem to give up before it gets really hard, I wonder what would happen if I saw something through until the end?

Am I too scared?

2007-05-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

Life is a sneaky thing..

I'm in the middle of a search for a new apt that I must be moved into by July 1st.. The hard part?? Oh yeah, I live in NYC and I'm going to be in Mpls June 15-25th. Oh boy Oh Boy! I have about 2.5 weeks to find a place... TOUGH! And it's been pretty short notice so going through a broker is not a option financally. I'm pretty stressed, but am trying to keep it together. I want to get a large studio or a 1 bedroom so I don't have to get rid of my furniture, but haven't gotten anything good yet. Am still fighting the credit battle. It sucks, nothing bad on my credit report in 5+ years, but still have the bad stuff from Oregon that makes it all go down. Sometimes I wish that someone would look at you like a person and not just a number. Shouldn't there be some credit for toughing it out and paying down my debt? I think it's a honorable, responsible thing to do, yet I think if I had declared bankruptcy I would have had better credit by now. PUH! the world is stupid at times.

On another note - it is a BEAUTIFUL weekend and a long one, which I'm greatful for. I must play outside as much as possible this weekend.

Still facing the blues, still miss g'mas like crazy. Waiting for it to get a little better, a little easier.

*sigh*

2007-04-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

So I finally remembered what my password was!! HA HA HA!
I'm slight stupid sometimes. It's been a rough month. Just found out that my dad's spine is so messed up that the surgery he had last fall won't help, and that there is nothing really they can do. He is just on tons on pain meds and still uncomfortable. It's scary, and really not fair at all. He lost himself after the car accident originally happened in 1988, and all these years later he was finally finding his way back. Then last year, his back injury flares up again and it's worse then it originally was, and there is nothing that they can do. Life blows sometimes.

NYC is still cold, wishing that spring would really get here.

meh.

2006-12-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young




A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear


And so this is Christmas      War is over
For weak and for strong       If you want it
For rich and the poor ones    War is over
The road is so long           Now
And so happy Christmas        War is over
For black and for white       If you want it
For yellow and red ones       War is over
Let's stop all the fight      Now

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas      War is over
And what have we done         If you want it
Another year over             War is over
And a new one just begun      Now
And so happy Christmas        War is over
I hope you have fun           If you want it
The near and the dear one     War is over
The old and the young         Now

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over if you want it
War is over now



ARTIST: John Lennon and Yoko Ono
TITLE: Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
Lyrics and Chords

2006-12-05T19:13:00.000-08:00

Girls rule - boys suck.

that's what I've decided after my last visit home. Why is it, when you go home, no matter what you do, you end up reverting to old patterns? Even if you really aren't that person anymore, or even if you don't feel that way. Sometimes I love going back to MN, it's good to see friends and family, but I always end up frustrated and angry. I think it's because I let old shit take control over me and then I don't really know how to act. I know who I am. Why do I always let 'strong personalities' push me around when I am there? Why do I let them dictate who I am??

*sigh* why am I such a wuss?

Instead of dealing with what I am actually upset about, I bottle it up and get upset at the wrong person. Why? Why is it the one person who I actually want to tell to go to hell, I can't? Maybe because he is left over from the time when I actually felt, the time when I didn't hide behind so many baracades and walls. Maybe because when I'm with him, I actually feel. It's not fake. Granted, it might be ANGER that I feel sometimes, but it's something. it's solid. And I'm scared to talk about it, scared to admit it, because then (just like before, just like always) it too will go away. Is it better to stay within my own emotional hell then to admit the possibility and lose it? Why am I so scared to lose touch? Why am I scared to delete him out of my phone? What does it mean?

I don't know. How can I be angry at someone when I've never told them how I feel or how they make me feel (good or bad). How can it be any different?

PS - why does my head look so strange in this photo??

2006-10-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure where this one is going to go, so bare with me on the ride. I keep waiting for things to get back to normal, well not really back to normal, but I wait to feel something. Instead I feel nothing. And then I think of Grandma and I feel, but I feel sad and rage and regret and a whole bunch of things rolled into one. I know that she was closer to me, that I had a strong relationship with her, but then I think about the people in that town, the neighbors, the kids who were there everyday, and I wonder, did they mean more? And I know that it's not about that, I know that everyone has their place, but REALLY what kind of a grand-daughter was I? There were the times that I didn't want to answer the phone when she called because I didn't want to be bothered by the phone conversation, and would return the call weeks later, if I return it at all. What an ungreatful bastard I am. I feel like a phony with my grief. How do I have the right to be sad, how do I have the right to miss her, when I wasn't there at all? How did I really care? If someone had asked her, would she have felt lonliness from me? Isolation? But then her second family, the neighbors and people in Rogers who loved her, were they a better family then her real one? I kept telling her that she was going to live forever, that she wasn't allowed to die. How stupid and selfish of me. I took her for advantage and now she's gone. And even now I am only being selfish. thinking about how sad I Am, how much I Miss Her. What did I do when she was alive? How is it really any different from now? We take advantage of what we have when it comes to family, we are taught to believe that's the one thing that you can't get away from, the one thing that will always be there. LIAR. And then we're left with the lies and the guilt and the "i should haves".

I hate this. I hate myself for what I should have been, what I pretended to be but never really was.

And I hate myself for who I still am. While the last grandparent I have living is in the hospital, I can't bring myself to call her. I can't bring myself to deal with the possibility of losing all 3 in the last year. But instead of taking advantage of what I have, I am pushing it away and running from it.
Everyone gets hurt in their life, I'm not the only one. And I brought it upon myself, yet WHY CAN'T I LET IT IN? why can't I let anything or anyone in? such barriers. What kind of person would rather live without leaving? To isolate yourself from everyone and everything so that you have nothing and no one? What kind of a person does this? It was almost 7 years ago, and I still can't muster enough strength to let anyone in. Glimpses is all that is available. I am pathetic.

2006-10-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

GO TIGERS!!

SPORTSBEAT by Peter Jakey: Shirley's never ending love for the Tigers
I never thought I would find myself ever saying these words in my column, but: “It’s on to the World Series!” Game one is Saturday in Detroit as the Tigers turned a miserable end to the regular season into one of the most amazing playoff runs in Tiger baseball history. They have set a record with seven straight playoff wins and they have already claimed an American League Championship. They also beat the payroll heavy Yankees. They have done it with great pitching, timely hitting, near perfect managerial decisions, and maybe some divine intervention. One of the most ardent Tiger fans ever to follow the club may be pulling a few strings from above.

Shirley McLennan, who lived on North First Street in Rogers City, loved her Tigers. She has posters, baseball cards, and memorabilia hanging everywhere in her house. From the moment you step onto her porch, it is obvious that someone in that old white house loved baseball. She has baseball cards with the names of players long forgotten hanging next to the front door. Who remembers Mike Heath? His baseball card is hanging with the group of cards, bleached from many evening sunsets. Near Heath’s card is one of the most recognizable Tiger greats of the past: Tommy Brookens. The name was completely faded by the sun.

BETWEEN MCLENNAN’S dining room and living room is a door plastered with family photos. Her husband Leonard is in a very old team picture with a Hawks team that won a county baseball championship. Among the irreplaceable family pictures is a single baseball card of Alan Trammell, the World Series MVP from 1984, and obviously McLennan’s favorite player of all-time. In her bedrooms are several posters from the glory days of the 1980s. Two posters are hung on the wall to the left of her bed, and have been there for more than two decades. On an adjoining wall are two pennants from the 1984 World Series team, one with a team picture and another with just the names from the club. In the middle of the Tiger shrine is a ticket stub from the 1984 World Series. She was fortunate to attend “Game A” at Tiger Stadium, two days before the clincher. A family member ripped a piece of sod from the Tiger Stadium field when the fans stormed the field October 14, 1984. Shirley was later given the chunk of turf and planted it in her backyard. “She was absolutely thrilled about it,” said niece Janet Smith of Taylor.

ON ANOTHER wall is a Tiger calendar stuck on February 1988. That is because there was a picture of Trammell that month. She has signed color photos of Todd Jones, Jamie Walker, and Carlos Guillen, and posed with 1968 World Series catcher Bill Freehan during a Wertz Warriors trip to Hawks. In her living room is one of the most unique items. She stitched together several Tiger T-shirts into a large quilt. She could look at it while she kept score from a corner chair. On a nearby table is a scorecard from the last game she kept track of, a 2-1 loss to the Angels September 3. McLennan was diagnosed with acute leukemia in the following days and passed away September 26 at the age of 83. She followed the Tigers until the very end. McLennan was excited when they qualified for the playoffs. That was two days before her passing, her son Larry McLennan said. The following week was not so good for the Tigers as they played Toronto and Kansas City. When I heard about her being such a loyal Tiger fan, I immediately came up with a theory. I believe it took her a week to check into heaven and she has been pulling some strings from above, ever since. Since the rainout in New York, the Tigers have not lost.

MCLENNAN NEVER wanted to miss a game. She was part of the St. John Lutheran Church choir for 50 years and after practice, Shirley wanted get home to watch the Tigers. “She just loved to watch every game,” said neighbor Mary Fairbanks. Mary’s son Austin would sit and watch some of the games with the woman that was affectionately called “Grandma Shirley.” “When I would call her, if the game was on she would say ‘don’t you know the game is on?’ ” said Larry. Just this year, McLennan received a letter from the Tigers, acknowledging her loyalty. It stated: “We hear you have been a very loyal Tigers’ fan…You have continued to support us through many peaks and valleys. Hopefully, the team’s recent success has brightened your days and nights. We will try our best to continue this recent winning tradition and bring a championship home to loyal Michigan fans like you.”

How much did Shirley love the Tigers? The best game she ever saw was an extra inning game in 1979 against the Baltimore Orioles. On her mother’s 90th birthday, Leonard and Shirley took her to the ball park. They had seats four rows from home plate. The game went 15 innings, before the Orioles got a run across and won the game, 2-1. Did I mention the game was played in the rain. “It was the best game I had ever seen!” Shirley said. I’m sure McLennan will have a front row seat this weekend, with a little scorecard and dark black marker to keep track of the score as the Tigers continue their improbable push toward their fifth World Series title.

2006-09-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

How do you say good-bye forever? With strength and love.

I love you grandma.

2006-09-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

So I got the saddest news of my young life so far tonight. My beloved grandma (above in the red) has been diagnosed with acute lukemia. :*(
I am heart broken. She is the most vicacious, fiesty person I have ever known. I honestly, don't know what I am going to do without her.

I can't say anymore. This is too hard.

2006-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

A great night. After taking in a Twins game at the 'Dome, headed over to Tony Jaros AKA the Greenie Bar for a good night of drinking...

Only 1 Greenie and we moved over to Psycho Suzie's (no, not the Susie in the photo) for more drinking adventures and an important discovery..

THEY HAVE FLAMING DRINKS!!

I MISS YOU GUYS

2006-08-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

I had the most random phone call tonight -

Phone rings - unknown -

me: hello? ......

Silence

me: hello? .....

him: Emily?

me: yes. who is this?

him: Joelle.

me: who?

him: Joelle.

me: I don't know you.

him: do you speak spanish?

me: uh, no.

him: oh.... ok....... uh, uh, sorry then. bye.

WHAT THA?? I have no idea who that was, or how they had my name and number...

2006-08-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

How can you tell that I was just on vacation? I'm hungry and the only thing in my fridge is blueberry sorbet.

FYI -

if you are flying into NYC anytime soon - STAY AWAY FROM LAGUARDIA! I hate that airport.

just got back from a good visit to MN. I actually wish that I had been able to stay longer, but I guess we all have to go and face the real world sometimes. *sigh*

I will have to update with pics and stories.

Good times at the Greenie Bar....

2006-07-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

After spending an, umm, interesting weekend in Philly the 7th -9th, I'm off to Pittsburgh this weekend. It's funny, but I feel like I'm doing a tour of PA... next stop Hershey....

It'll just be good to be out of the city for a bit, in a house... with grass. *heh* I think that thing that I miss the most about MN or a place like that, is the freedom that I had in the summer. Being able to go to one of the lakes, picnicing or just sitting out in Dad's boat in WI. The waters not clean enough for any of that fun here, and if you go some place that's not hours and hours away it's ridiculously expensive.

How do people afford to live here? Don't get me wrong, I'm fine. I make enough to pay rent, eat and play as much as I want... But to even just go somewhere for the weekend would be close to $800...

Alright, Pittsburgh PA here I come. It'll be good to be around down to earth people.

2006-06-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've been reading "McSorley's Wonderful Saloon" By Joseph Mitchell. One of the portraits is titled King of Gypsies, written in 1942. There is a conversation between Johnny Nikanov and Joseph Mitchell that goes as follows -
"And let me tell you something," he said finally, waving his hand at me with an oratorical gesture. "I just can't wait for the blowup".
"The blowup of what?" I asked.
"The blowup of the whole entire world, that's what," said Johnny. "It's going to bust wide open any day now, ask any gypsy, and I don't give a D-double-damn if it does".
"That's no way to talk," I said.
"And if it was left to me," continued Johnny, paying no attention to my remark, "I'd sure fix things up. The very first thing I'd do, I'd unlock the insane asylums all over the world and let them people out. I'd leave them run things. I'd hunt up the insanest feller of all and I'd say to him, 'Sir, you got any notion how to run the world?' And he'd say to me, 'Yes, indeed!' 'O.K., pal, ' I'd say to him, 'take charge. You can't possibly do no worse than them that's been had charge'...."

64 years later, and I feel like it could have been written yesterday.

2006-06-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

Angry thoughts...

I'm lost lately. I don't know if I just have too much emotional baggage lately but I just can't handle it lately. I have no patience, no tolerance for anything. Even now, I am angry. out of control angry. why, because I can't sleep. B/C i can't seem to spell a single goddamned word right. things are spiraling out of control. FUCK! I can't take this stupid shit anymore. nothing i ever do will be right, nor good enough...

FUCK I CAN'T STAND MYSELF.

I'M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, NOT SMART ENOUGH, NOT FOCUSED ENOUGH, NOT THIN ENOUGH, NOT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH, NOT DRIVEN ENOUGH. NOTHING I SAY NOR DO MATTERS. I AM NOTHING. THE PEST OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW THAT CHIRPS THAT YOU REALLY JUST WANT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY. I AM NOISE IN A WORLD POLLUTED WITH SOUND. I AM ALONE. NOBODY SEES ME, NOBODY CARES.

SOMETIMES I WISH THAT THE BLACK NOTHINGNESS THAT SURROUNDS ME WOULD JUST ENVELOP ME AND LEAVE ME TO CEASE. THE SILENCE IS TOO LOUD.

I SEE A FACE THAT GLANCES BACK FROM THE MIRROR, A FACE THAT IS DISTORTED, WITH EYES THAT DON'T REALLY SEE... I WANT TO BREAK THE MIRROR, BREAK THE IMAGE BUT THE GLASS IS TOO STRONG. IT BOUNCES BACK, LAUGHING AT ME HOLLOWLY.. LAUGHING WITH THE TORMENT THAT FILLS MY LUNGS, HEART, LIVER, BEING.

THERE ARE BARS ON MY BEDROOM WINDOW, BARS ON MY SOUL...

WHAT'S THE POINT IN LETTING ANYONE SEE BEYOND THE SURFACE? WHAT'S THE POINT IN LETTING YOUR WALL DOWN? PEOPLE ONLY DISAPPOINT. THEY ONLY LET YOU DOWN. HUMAN FRICKIN' NATURE. TO EXPLOIT SOMEONE ELSE WEAKNESS FOR YOUR GAIN. GREED, POWER, HUNGER, WEALTH. FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK ME.

THEY ALL DO ANYWAYS... NO MATTER WHO I REALLY AM, THEY NEVER SEE ME.. THEY ALWAYS SEE THE SAME THING. I AM USELESS, VULNERABLE, DEVOID OF REALITY. GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. DON'T LOOK BACK. DON'T LOOK IN. KEEP THE THIN SHELL ON. THEY CAN'T SEE THAT THEY'VE BROKEN ME.

THE SILENCE STOPS AND THE NOISE BEGINS...

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER RESTLESS NIGHT.

2006-05-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we all have friends that forward us emails about life, perspective, tasteless jokes, funny jokes, and the email that if you don't forward on you will have bad luck for the rest of your life. Every once in a while though, you actually get some good ones. The 2 following are from emails that I recieved -

A young woman went to her mother and talked to her about he life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggeling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the frist she placed carrots, in the 2nd she placed eggs and in the last she placed ground up coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled out the coffee and palced it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter she asked "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs and coffee", she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. she did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take and egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted it's rich aroma. The daughter them asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faxed the same adversity - boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile, it's thin outer shell had protected it's liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, it's inside became hardened.
The coffee beans were unique however. After they were in the boiling water, the had changed the water. "Which are you?", she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this, which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trialsare their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, and egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I think that we would like to all be the coffee, but I think a lot of us are eggs and carrots right now. All we can do it choose to grow from the things that happen to us. It does nothing to live the same mistakes again. And now onto #2 -

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more then once, and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
-Anonymous-

2006-05-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was a much better holiday then the last. After feeling kinda blue for the last couple of months, I was forced (by a persistant sister and mother) to get out of the house on the weekend and do something. So something I did. Headed midtown to the movies, I left with plenty of time. 50 minutes on what should only be a 25 minute train ride. Oh, stupid me. I forgot, it's the MTA... slowest, most unreliable transit. it took 50 minutes to get to times square. No real reason... I watched in frustrated silence as the "C" train (running local) zoomed by the "A" train that I was on (running "express")... We never did catch up to that train... such is life. I missed my movie and had to wait for the next showing. Normally not a problem, but when you're on 42nd street, there's not a whole lot to do, unless you want to get lost in tourist traps. This area of town is my least favorite place to be, but usually where I end up at the movies, as they have the most choices... Still...My friends tell me that I get this look on my face when I am in midtown, and I start to walk alot faster. I think it's my "get out of my way and stop using your camcorder while you try and walk" look. For those who have ever lived in NYC and not just visited, you should know exactly what I mean. Tourists are great for the economy, but such a pain in the arse.
So, back to my story.. I used the wait to catch up with some old pals. Ahren, I miss you a ton and wished I got to talk/see you more! The older I get, the more I realize just how much friends who have been around 12+ years really mean. Anyways.. I'm so all over the place today. Sorry.
After the movie, I took my bum knee up to central park, where I decided to just sit and watch people. It was beautiful. There was kind of a drizzle coming down, not enough for you to actually get wet, but just enough to feel it on your face. The sky was gray without being dark. It was awesome! Decided to walk through the park, up to 82nd st. I wish I'd had all day to sit in the sun with a book and enjoy it. Hopefully the rain will stop soon and I will be able to. Rented Match Point on the way home. After watching it I must say brilliant.. If you haven't seen it you must. And trust me.. watch it all the way through. The beginning and middle can seem so long winded and dull, but oh how does it turn. Really brilliant. Which is a word that I don't use much.

Ok - didn't really have much to say, just hadn't written in a while.

2006-04-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, this might be a little dark today, but that's just how I'm feeling.

Holidays are a funny thing, they can either make you feel great, and make you feel completly isolated. Isolated tends to be the way that I go. So, I like having my space, like being by myself. I actually really do, I tend to get frustrated if I have plans multiple nights in a row, or I don't have time to myself. So this Easter comes around, and for me it's a family thing, not a particulary religious day. Lets just side step that whole issue, and get to where I am going. So I talk to my little sister this morning, she actually woke me up, and we're chatting until my mom comes home. Sis then tells me that she's going to let me go and will call later for the holiday chat with my mom... So the whole entire day goes by. My grandma is getting together with my Dad and his girlfriend, and they are going to call me as well. So I sit all day, and the phone doesn't ring. Anna and I chat a little bit here and there, she calls me b/c she is watching the Twins/Yankees game and she's cheering for Lew Ford. I turn the game on so we're watching it together... She's gonna go, so I say fine. Nothing from my Mom... Talk to the older sister, she mentions "oh Anna and Mom called me, I have to call them back".. Interesting, I figure I should be hearing from them any second... 2 hours go by and I still haven't heard anything, it's now 9pm my time. I haven't heard from my mother all day... ouch. Now for those of you who don't know my family, my mother is very organized about her family holiday calls...it's an afternoon thing, not a last minute it's 9pm your time thing. So finally I call, Anna answers, says she's talking to Leah and they'll call me back. Mom calls back, it's now past 9pm, how's the weather there? how was the game? I wasn't watching the game. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? I can't speak to her. She goes on about everyone she's talked to today, and what a great day she had with Anna etc... Great. I'm alone. You know this. You couldn't call me all day, and now I have to listen to what a great family day you had. I can't take it. I hang up, which is the most juvenile way to handle a situation, but with her I can feel like I am still 5, the hurt little girl crying herself to sleep, just wanting her parents to love her and see her. But I'm still the invisible middle child. Sometimes I just wish that I could escape and disappear. Let it all go, why am I so dependant on people that are so independant from me? I can't blame them, I can only blame me. Insantity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Am I insane for expecting this relationship with my family to be different? Do we set the patterns for communication when we are in the younger years of are life and then we are unable to change the pattern? Will I always be that little girl? Is this me, within my own head, unable to change, or is there also equal fault on both sides? It hurts. I did one of those stupid how well do you know me emails.. One of the questions was "are we friends", the older sister replies "no, were acquaintences, but I think in five years we could be friends." I pour my heart and soul into building a relationship with this person who has wanted nothing to do with me for most of my life, and for what purpose? I feel that we finally have a relationship, that we finally care, only to learn she sees me as a acquaintence. barely more then a stranger. It hurts too much. Blog, diary, really what's the difference? At least most of you don't know that I'm hear, so these thoughts go unnoticed. unread. unheard.

2006-04-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

Yay!! Spring is FINALLY HERE!
It's about 65 out and not a cloud in the sky! I'm so glad! baseball starts tonight, and it feels like summer is just around the corner.
Things to do this spring...

* PLAY OUTSIDE!

Which makes me think... what am I doing writing on my computer??

2006-03-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

When I was a child I remember sitting in the upperdeck of the metrodome, cheering my heart our with my dad, mom and sisters, eating a huge tub of popcorn. When the tub was empty, we would turn it over, drum on the bottom and cheer for my favorite player, Kirby Bucket. Oh, wait, I mean Kirby Puckett. Tonight Kirby Puckett passed away from a massive stroke, and I lost a childhood hero. This round, enegeric man became my inspiration, my drive to play, and play with all my heart. I played baseball until I was 12, and then switched to softball. My pre-bat rituals included tapping the plate, just like Kirby. I will always remember his smile, the way that he played each game like it was his last. He was a baseball great, and a vital part of the community. KIRBY BUCKET, I LOVE YOU!! REST IN PEACE MY CHILDHOOD HERO.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEANUT!!

2006-02-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

So I had an interesting Tuesday night.. I woke up at about 3am with incredible side pain. Had eaten some bad stuff the night before, being Valentines Day (chocolate cupcake, truffles, crackers, cheese - you know, all a good mix) so I though that maybe it was just indigestion. Tried to go back to sleep, didn't work out so well. At about 5:30 I called my friend Ali, who is a nurse, and as I woke her up, she gently told me I should go and get it checked out. When it hadn't gotten any better by 7, I called the 24 hour nurse line on my health card. The woman who answered, told me to call 911 immediately and that she was calling back in 10 minutes to make sure that they were on the way. I called in sick to work, got REALLY scared and had my roommate call 911 for me (when I thanked him later he told me "no problem. I hadn't called 911 for awhile, it was fun!" *hmm*) The EMT
's where on the way. Now in real time it was only about 10 minutes before they showed up, to me, it seemed like 10 hours, The pain had gotten so bad that I couldn't sit, lay or stand without it hurting. The EMT's showed up and checked me out (one was SUPER HOT) and decided that I needed to go to the ER. The ride was horrible, we only went about 20 blocks, but man, it was BUMPY! The hot emt sat in the back with me and told me he thought it was kidney stones.. Now my dad had kidney stones when I was growing up, and my sister Anna got one in December, so I was like PLEASE NO! I know how painful they are. I got checked into the emergency room and of course wasn't seen for an hour and a half.. I know that there are more pressing injuries that what I had, but it had gotten so painful that I couldn't even cry anymore. :(
Finally the wonderful Dr. Chan came to see me, asked me exactly where it hurt etc, and told me she thought it was probably a kidney stone. She then got me hooked up on an IV and a morphine drip.. They pain went away REALLY fast, in fact the world did. I feel asleep for about 2 hours. Woke up to get a CT scan done, which confirmed the kidney stone, was released by 2pm. Now, when I was released I was feeling no pain, I decided that I would walk from the hospital (on 168th St) to the drug store (on 181st St) get my prescriptions filled and head home, It was beautiful, about 60 outside and sunny. I had a great walk in my drug induced haze, walking around, laughing at everything. HA!

Well - that only lasted for the afternoon, now I am trying to pass the stone, drinking lots of fluids, taking the pain killers only when there isn't another choice, *sigh* FYI, if you ever get intense side pain GO TO THE DOCTOR! DO NOT PUT IT OFF! I had side pain about 3 weeks before this for about 5 days in a row... If I'd only gone then, maybe just maybe, I wouldn't be in the pain I am now, or at least I would have been able to avoid the fun adventure of Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning.

Now I am healing in Paoli (suburb of Philly) with my dearest friend in the world... Preparing for a night of the best drink EVER.. Run Skips.. but that's a different entry entirely.

2006-01-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

So I am sitting here, at about 9pm on a Monday night, thinking over the last few months, the last year really. How clichè , but how fast time does fly. It's strange when you dream about something for a long time and then it actually happens. Then you start to wonder, was this thing that I really wanted all that great, or was it simply the fact that I had something to work towards, something to believe in.. is it the actuality or the possibility that we really strive for?

Do we continue to think of things, no wait, dream of things, to find the meaning in everyday life?

I wonder if we become complacent with what we find as we grow older?

Alright, that's done. So my dear friend *** came over on Saturday night and forced me to watch Alexander. Now if you haven't seen this movie, let me just state.. "what the heck happened to Oliver Stone"????? I never thought I would see such a profound director, with such a strong point of view, make such a muddled half hearted attempt at a main stream movie.

Don't know where I was going with that, just felt like it needed to be said.

'til next time...

2006-01-23T00:08:00.000-08:00

GO STEELERS!!

'nuff said.

2006-01-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace things, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." - Jack Kerouac

Such is a passion about people and observation... To fill our lives with something, to walk about from empty.. power lies in the nothing...

But what if, what if we were in danger of burning out, or worse yet.. what if we were never to burn at all? But instead watch, always watch, and surround ourselves with powerful strong lights, hoping that our artificial light wasn't noticed amongst the stars?? Is it too narcissistic to focus on yourself and your perception to others? Who I am and what am I putting out there??

I was sitting in a car with a couple of my friends the other night, avoiding the stank and grime of the subway for at least one night. Lost among the laughter and jokes going on between the people in the car... Drivers says to me, "talk, say something" but must I? Can't I just observe sometimes? Do we always have to fill our world with noise, is the silence that frightening?

MEH ~

Maybe I am no more than that which I desire.
It's too early for such deep thoughts.. these are middle of the night ramblings..